Thursday, October 4, 2012

"and go fuck yourself"

"and go fuck yourself"

after nearly four years of loving the same troubled man, you'd think someone would flee after constant emotional, mental and physical abuse. any woman in their right mind would have walked away within that first year when the alarms went off. some slower to act would have surely removed themselves after the lies and cheating that followed. the thicker-skulled surely wouldn't have stood for being choked, slapped, punched and restrained. and even the densest of idiots wouldn't have stuck by a man who sleeps with an enemy just to teach you a lesson.

therefore, i am the world's most fucking retarded idiot moron. 

do NOT get this wrong: we haven't been an official couple since the end of 2010, but have seen each other in a romantic manner since, with small bouts of separation when he wants to stick his dick elsewhere and doesn't want me finding out about it. these bouts are laced with arguments, below-the-belt hits, and lies so that i will feel some sort of remorse for his inappropriate anger. and when he's bored, he returns with his tail between his legs and a short-lived new-found "respect" for my loyalty. and on occasion, he lets his fists speak for him when he slips from Jekyll to Hyde. for every to, there is a fro, right? well, Jekyll is the sweetest man i've ever met. we are connected in ways i couldn't have believed people could. he gets me truly and completely. but Hyde, knowing the same strengths and weaknesses, preys upon every move i make and takes to the most violent physical and non-physical showdowns as possible. Hyde is a goddamn soulless monster.

i could go on for ages about that this son of a bitch has put me through, but you'd leave without respecting me because i go back every single time. what i have here is a living breathing contradiction, and i am addicted to him in a way that makes heroin look safe. so instead of wallowing in this unfortunate loop, i shall serve as a cautionary tale of what to NEVER, EVER do.

firstly: never date a man whose friends are whores. 
this is easier to figure out than you think. narcissists wear their whores on their sleeves - loose women are easy to keep in company because they have no reason to be disappointed in you. now, by "whore", i mean any woman who can't a) keep her legs closed, b) respect the man she's with, c) respect that other men are exclusive with other women, and d) flirt classlessly and shamelessly with anyone bearing a ballsack.

second: never date a man who cannot keep a close friend.
this is a horrific warning sign i wish i would have seen earlier on. he had NO close friends. he had only acquaintances through work and his high school facebook buddies. the people he let close enough never stuck around for long, and he still has friends dropping like flies.

third: never date a man that 100% of the people in your life despise.
INCLUDING his work acquaintances. what i have here is a man who believes you need no company, no friendships throughout life - that you take what you want when you want it, and you leave no survivors if someone happens upon your path. EVERY SINGLE PERSON i have introduced him to has rebuked his presence within the first few weeks of meeting him, NOT because of anything i've related, but because of what they've witnessed. he talks down to me, he commands me as if i were wearing an invisible leash that connects my mouth to his cock at will. he uses my name and reputation to gain notoriety. when your parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, supporters, colleagues, and strangers all agree that you're consorting with the scum of the earth, YOU ARE.

i don't think i have to touch on the basics of never dating a man who gets physical, or screams, or is in any way abusive (but clearly, it didn't stick for me!). you should also never date a man with conflicting views about pregnancy/pro-choice/etc in case something happens and you both need to be on the same page. i cannot stress how important this is - you run the risk of making a pressured decision that you will regret for the rest of your life.

this is just the beginning of my theraputic release of the shit i've allowed to happen in my life. it stemmed from my trying to avoid confronting a blatant mistruth and being met with anger (he hates being wrong) and this sweet little sign off after i tried apologizing for what i didn't do wrong:

"i'm having a bad day, so i'm going to choose my words very carefully: your inability to follow the most simple of instructions is exceedingly frustrating. and go fuck yourself."